Paul’s Groaners

The Potato Garden…

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but
it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my
potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig
the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

For heaven’s sake, dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the
BODIES.

Love Bubba

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the
circumstances.

Love, Bubba

Redneck Dictionary…

HEIDI – noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: “Heidi, hire yew?”

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK – verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE – noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage: “Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration. Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument. Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – verb. To stop working. Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – adjective. Not local. Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed….mus’ be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive. Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: “He cain’t breathe….give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – noun and verb contraction. Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah….haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit ‘n ‘is laf.”

SEED – verb, past tense of “to see.”

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City….view?”

GUMMIT – noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert.”

More MARTHA STEWART’S *TIPS FOR REDNECKS *

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive The U- Haul to the funeral home.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say ” Monday “. If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ” yes ” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in your sights.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Learn Redneck Chinese in 5 minutes…

1) That is not right………………………………..Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?………………..Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP………………………………….Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man………………………………………Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse……………………………………..Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?…………………….Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table…………………Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift……………………Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here………………………….Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet……………….Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone……………………No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week..Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight………………………….Lei Ying Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile…………….Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive……………….Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great…………………………………………..Fa Kin Su Pah

Thoughts…

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out
to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: You stay here? I’ll go on a head.?

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you would be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other
says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that
at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

News From Newfoundland

Well, the storm has finally begun. I just got off the phone with my sister in law in Newfoundland.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and is just staring.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

Redneck Church…

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if…the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if…..people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.

You Know Your Church is a Redneck Church if….when the Pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering.” Five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if….opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if….a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if….in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if….Baptism is referred to as branding”.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if…high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if…people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if….the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if…the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if…the collection plates are really hub caps from a ’56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if…instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if…the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if…”Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if…the final words of the benediction are, “Ya’ll come back now!! Ya Hear”.

A Chick With Long Legs…

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender.”Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large Scotch” says the man. “Same for me” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20″ says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”"That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

“That’s fantastic!” says the bartender. “You are a genius! … Oh, one other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

Da naming of da dogs…

A girl was visiting her Newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The Newf responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Hellooooooooo……,” answered the Nefoundlander. “Dey’re watch dogs”

Having Children…

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi’s pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!”

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said… “Point of information – snow and rain are also ‘acts of God’, but when we get too much we wear rubbers!”