Paul’s Groaners

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi’s
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers
15. Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
16.Ignition switches on the dashboard.
17.Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
18.Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
19Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.

If you remembered 0-5 = Youre still young
If you remembered 6-9 = You are getting older
If you remembered 10-13 = Don’t tell your age
If you remembered 14-19 = You’re positively ancient!

Terrorist Threat Levels…

From the BBC – by John Cleese
ANNOUNCEMENT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and ”Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”,”I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend,” and “The barbie is cancelled.”

And finally Canada is at “That’s not nice and please stop” threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.

True Friendship…. . . . SCOTTISH STYLE!!

True Friendship….
. . . SCOTTISH STYLE!!

(None of that Sissy shit)

Are ye tired of those piss weak ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true
friendship… You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card .

Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When ye are sad — I will help you get drunk and
plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad.

2. When ye are blue —
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.

3. When ye smile — I will
know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When ye are scared — I will shake the piss out of ye every chance I get, until you’re NOT.

5. When ye are worried — I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until

YE STOP YER WHINING!

6… When yer confused — I will try to use only wee words.

7… When ye are sick — Stay the hell away

from me until ye are well again. I don’t want whatever ye’ve got.

8… When ye fall, I will laugh my effin head off at you, you clumsy arse,
…….but I’ll help you up.

9… This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end.
‘Why?’ you may ask;
Because you are my friend.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can
feel the true warmth…

Send this to 10 o’ yer closest friends,

Then get depressed because ye can only think of 4…

Redneck Drinking Age…

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age
in Oklahoma to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Pharmacology News…

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen..

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of

Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,

Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one..

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES…

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

6. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Brain Teaser

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give it another try….
Look at each word carefully. You’ll kick yourself when you discover the answer.

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters….

Answer is below!

The Super Bowl seat…

>
> A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
> comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
>
> “No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”
>
> “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a
> seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
> world,
> and not use it?”
>
> He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
> with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven’t
> been to together since we got married in 1967.”
>
> “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find
> someone
> else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”.
>
> The man shakes his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

The Old Graveyard…

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found
themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here”, says Bubba, “It’s Zeb Jones’ grave, God bless his soul, he
lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Earl, “here’s one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95
when he died.”

Just then, Jeb yells out, “But here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
“Miles, from Georgia.”

Reasons To Live In Manitoba…

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like “Flin Flon” and “Winnipeg”
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don’t need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still “friendly” even when you cut someone off
10.Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by