Paul’s Groaners

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. No, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. White Castle? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign – What you be, after you be eight.
Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan – searching for kitty
Cauterize – made eye contact with her
Colic – a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C – Where Washington is
Dilate – to live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – quicker than someone else
Fibula – a small lie
Genital – a non-Jewish person
GI series – world series of military baseball
Hangnail – what you hang your coat on
Impotent – distinguished, well-known
Labor pain – getting hurt at work
medical staff – a doctor’s cane
Morbid – a higher offer
Nitrates – cheaper than day rates
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – a person who has fainted
Pap Smear – A fatherhood test
Pelvis – second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative – a letter carrier
Recovery room – place to do upholstery
Rectum – darn near killed him
Secretion – hiding something
Seizure – a Roman emperor
Tablet – a small table
Terminal Illness – getting sick at the airport
Tumor – one plus one more
Urine – opposite of you’re out
Varicose – nearby / close by

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE >>> WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

>>> George Phillips, an elderly
>>> man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife
>>> told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she
>>> could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go
>>> turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed
>>> stealing things.
>>>
>>> He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”
>>> He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
>>> stealing from me.
>>>
>>> Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should
>>> lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is
>>> available..”
>>>
>>> George said, “Okay.”
>>>
>>> He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police
>>> again..
>>>
>>> “Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
>>> stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don’t have to worry about
>>> them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating
>>> them right now.” and he hung up.
>>>
>>> Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, helicopters, two
>>> Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the
>>> Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
>>>
>>> One of the Policemen said to George , “I thought you said that you’d
>>> shot them!”
>>> George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
>>>
>>> (True Story)
>>> Don’t mess with old people.

To Be a Canadian…

I AM CANADIAN
Hey.
I’m not a lumberjack or a fur trader
And I don’t live in an igloo
Or eat blubber or own a dog sled
And I don’t know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although
I’m certain they’re really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President
I speak English and French, not American
And I pronounce it “about,” not “aboot.”
I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack.
I believe in peacekeeping, not policing
Diversity, not assimilation
And that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat
A chesterfield is a couch
And it is pronounced zed, not zee, ZED!
Canada is the second largest landmass
The first nation of hockey
And the best part of North America!
My name is [insert your name here]
And I AM CANADIAN!

Another popular list that falls under Canadian jokes is this one:

You’re Canadian if:
You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
You know what a tuque (toque?) is
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing ‘u’s from labor, honor, and color
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
You drive on a highway, not a freeway
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
You understand the sentence, “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine.”
You drink pop, not soda
You love your fries with poutine
You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
You stepped on someone’s foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
“Eh” is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of “eh”… eh?
You know schools don’t issue a snow day unless there is a severe blizzard.
You don’t mind leaving your wet winter boots at the door when visiting your dentist, etc.
You order a “double-double” at Tim Horton’s (famous coffee shop, Canada’s pride), not two cream and two sugar.

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks:

You may be living in Canada if:

Your local Dairy Queen (ice cream shop) is closed from September through May
Someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance… and they don’t work there
You’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time
You’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number
“Vacation” means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend
You measure distance in hours
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once
You have switched from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again
You can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
You carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
The speed limit on the highway is 80 km and you’re going 90 and everybody is passing you
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car
You find 2 degrees “a little” chilly
If you actually understand these Canadian jokes, you definitely live in Canada! :)

Parody of “The King’s Speech” trailer…

Parody of \"The King\'s Speech\" trailer

Old Chinese Proverb…

Confucius
say:
“If
you in book store and
cannot
find
book for which you search,
you
are obviously
in
the…..

Where’s My Sunday Paper???

“WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!” the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know.

“Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, …
“Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either.”

The Confessional Box…

A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

“Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be”.

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot! You’re on my side”.

Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
————————–
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
————————–
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
————————–
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
————————–
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
————————–
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
————————–
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
————————–
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
————————–
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
————————–
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
————————–
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
————————–
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————–
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
————————–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————–
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
————————–
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN 10 LANGUAGES…

English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T’aime
German
Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu
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Nice Tits, Get in the Truck..