Paul’s Groaners

Two hunters…

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground… After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”
“Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.

Polish International Airways…

Polish International Airways sent it’s inaugural 747 flight to JFK under the command of it’s two best pilots. Approach Control tells ‘em they’re cleared onto final and hands ‘em off to the tower, but they’re sorta struggling with English and sorta missed a word or two, but it was a nice flying day and they decide to just land the airplane.

They get in close to the runway and the left seat hollers “lookit that runway! It’s ‘way too short! Flaps, gimmee full flaps, reverse thrust, drop the anchor!” and he dumps it on the numbers.

The airplane comes to a screeching halt two feet before the end of the concrete amidst billowing clouds of burning tire and brake smoke. Left seat sez “I don’t believe how short this runway is, it’s only a cupple hunnert feet long!” Right seat muses, “Yeah, but jeez boss look, it’s gotta be 12,000 feet wide”.

Jethro From Arkansas…

There was this guy from Arkansas named Jethro walking down the road one day till he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag.
Jethro: “Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?”
Billy Joe: “In this bag here I got me chickens.”
Jethro: “Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one…”
Billy Joe: “Sheeeeiiit Jethro if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I’ll give you ‘both’ of them”
Jethro: “uhhh…5″
Billy Joe: “Nope”

The Wailing Wall…

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

She went to check it out. She arrived at the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”

“Morris Fishbein,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a brick wall!”

Get milk…

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had eggs.”

A buncha guys go to a fancy restaurant…

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman,
a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, an Indonesian, a Yank,
a German, a Peruvian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican,
a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Tibetan,
a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian,
a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, a Kazahk,
an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a fancy restaurant.

The maitre d’ told them, “Sorry, we can’t seat you without a Thai.”

More Learn how ta Speak Redneck

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far.”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar
in my pickup truck.”

FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: “If yo wife’s mad at ya, it’s smart to take her some flares.”

DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in “Gone With the Wind.”
Usage: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dayum.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,
your bahs is gonna far you!”

CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: “You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn’t give fiddy cent for it.”

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: “That gal cain’t even bawl water without burnin’ it.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: “Pa dun had a hot attack.” HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred.”

SAAR: The opposite of sweet.
Usage: “These pickles Sure are saar.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

OVAIR: In that direction.
Usage: “Where’s yo paw, son?” “He’s ovair, suh.”

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ‘em some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?”

MUCHABLIGE: Thank you.
Usage: “Muchablige for the lift, mister.”

IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain’t.
Usage: “Mighty hot today, idinit?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

SEED – Seen, past tense.
VIEW – Have You?
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

PHRAISIN: Very cold.
Usage:”Shut that door. It’s phraisin in here.”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

Still More Redneck Computer Terms

BACKUP – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE – Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern
BUG – The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE – What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE – Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL – Time to call the undertaker
CRASH – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited
DIGITAL – The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE – Female Disco dancer
FAX – What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER – Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET – Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC – Big Bubba’s favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ – How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD – Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM – Where the pope lives
SCREEN – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT – A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR – Amtrak’s Employee of the year
SCSI – What you call your week-old underwear

You Might Be A Redneck If:

None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it’s wheels.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Hind-lick manoeuvre

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches forward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, “You’re right, that ‘hind-lick’ maneuver works like a charm.”