Paul’s Groaners

Penguins…

I never knew this. You learn something new every day about penguins.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in the Antarctic? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Then they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

When Grandma Goes to Court…

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question
if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘ Why ye s, I do . I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

You know you’re a Hillbilly when:

“He needed killin’ ” is a valid defense.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 90 degrees F “a little warm.”

There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as “goin wal-martin”or off to “Wally World.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola, or pop … it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor

What Hillbillies do:

If you forget a Hillbilly’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba” (or “Junior”). You have a 75% chance of being right.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

How to spot a true Hillbilly:

Only a true Hillbilly knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, — you “PITCH” them.

Only a true Hillbilly knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,peas, beans, etc. make up “a mess.”

Only a true Hillbilly can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

Only true Hillbillies grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a true Hillbilly both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

No true Hillbilly would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

The Golfing Nun…

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks

down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior, ‘I

thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with

my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can.You know

I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I

take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took

the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.

‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a

monster, 520 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden

green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it.The sweetest

swing I ever made.And it’s flying straight and true, right along

the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards

off the tee!’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother.’How unfortunate!But

surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still

trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the

woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the

Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister.’And I was so

proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether

this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and

grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his
paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished,

‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel

started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the

green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18

inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms

across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

‘You missed the f@cking putt, didn’t you?’

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, ‘You must be single.’

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed s! ingle. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
s elections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: ‘Well, you know what,
you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.’

The Pastor’s Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the

news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Flying…

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, ‘We love to fly and it shows’.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: ‘Winning the hearts of the world’.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time trotting out the Malaysian Airlines motto. ‘Going beyond expectations’.

The woman looks at him sternly and says, ‘What the fuck do you want?’

‘Ah!’ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

“Air Canada.”

A Newfie is late for work…

-A newfie rolls into his factory job at 10:30. The floor manager comes up to him and sayd, “You should have been here at nine o’clock,” to which the newfie responds “Why, what happened?”

A Newfie is building a house…

-A newfie walks into a lumber yard and says, “I’s building an ‘ouse bye’ and needs me some a dat der too be far” The clerks says “You mean 2 by 4?”, the newfie says “Yes bye’, dat’s da stuff.” The clerks asks “Well how long do you need it?” The newfie responds “Well bye’, I’s buildin an ‘ouse wit it so I’s gonna need it for awhile.”

The ventriloquist cowboy…

A ventriloquist cowboy took a walk in the country and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it goin’?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at rancher)
Dog: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin’?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at rancher)
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Rancher: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk)……”Them sheep ain’t nothin’ but liars, every darned one of ‘em!!!!