Paul’s Groaners

WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ! (Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ!
(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

Only total thicko’s will fail !!

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to  P ass.

Check your answers below.

ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ?116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats ?Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of ?Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name ?Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ?Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?Orange (of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill…

After his  retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner  and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.

“There are  three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said  Churchill.

“First  their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb.  And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.

Court Testimony…. Really!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it
affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do
you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:
We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So
the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with male.

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I
sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:
And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.

How To Swear In Utah…

Oh My Heck, Flippin’ Fetch Isn’t Really Swearing, Is It?

By Bob Mims The Salt Lake Tribune (Saturday, 29 April 2000)

You slam on the brakes, rattling both your car and nerves, when yet another rush-hour idiot cuts you off. And as the air-conditioner conks out and you roll down the window to choking exhaust from the bus in the next lane, you can feel it coming.

Irresistible, the rage rises from that hot knot in your stomach, accelerates through a growling throat and then explodes through your lips with volcanic fury. It is The Word, and it escapes in a rolling bellow at the Fates: “FUDGE!”

Welcome to Utah, where even profanity is done in moderation.

To be sure, more hard-core cussing is no stranger to Utahns’ ears. Still, in a state that is 70 percent Mormon, a plethora of less-offensive colloquialisms have been crafted to satisfy the urge to verbally vent. Open your ears and it won’t be long before you hear “Oh my heck” (“Oh my freaking heck,” for especially notable occasions). “Oh Gash.” “Oh my holy crap.” “Dang it.” “Judas Priest.” “H-E-double hockey sticks (or toothpicks).” “Oh yeah? Well you’re a horse’s p’toot.”

The rejoinder could be, “Am not, but you’re just ignorant” (pronounced: “ignernt,” and meaning not so much mentally vacuous as just plain rude).

“Ah, scrud . . . suds . . . sheesh,” might be the appropriate counter-reply.

But the favorite substitutes flirt with the acknowledged Mother of All Swear Words, the utilitarian four-letter Anglo-Saxon standby that begins with the soft “f” sound and ends with an abrupt consonantal click. There is “Flip,” and like its X-rated progenitor useful as noun, pronoun, adjective, verb, adverb or space-filling modifier. An example of the latter is Mapleton resident Roger Comstock’s recent admonishment of his City Council: ” . . . when it comes to replacing our Police Department, abso — flippin’ — lutely you need our permission.”

Don’t forget the aforementioned “Freak” and its variations, or “Fetch.” Gordon Allred, an English professor at Weber State University, offered yet another soft-core “f” word candidate. “One of my friends who returned from a mission to France . . . was addicted to the word ‘funch’ with such variations as ‘funchy’ and

‘funchin’,” he recalled. “He used the word so frequently, in all three forms, that I finally nicknamed him ‘Funch.’”

Allred’s own mission, some 50 years ago in Canada, found creative LDS Church missionaries fond of “Scrud,” and for special emphasis, “Scrud Oh Dear!”

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, asked for comment on the Mormon euphemisms, skirted clear of direct condemnation. Spokesman Dale Bills would only say that the faith “teaches its members to use language that lifts and inspires others and that honors God’s commandment to not take his name in vain. “Church members are encouraged to avoid the use of profanity and any foul language that shows a lack of respect for God, self and others.” That being the case, Alexander Baugh, an assistant professor of Church History and Doctrine at Brigham Young University, defends “alternative words” as an acceptable means of expressing intense feelings.

“After all, ‘heck’ takes on a whole different feeling than ‘hell.’ I don’t see that [heck] as profanity in itself,” Baugh said. “No one would condemn me or gasp if I said some of those [substitute] words instead of the real four-letter variety.”

However, the late J. Golden Kimball might smirk. Memorialized in Utah folklore, the Mormon general authority was called to the First Council of the Seventy in 1892 and spent the next five decades lacing his talks liberally with “hells” and “damns.”

Among dozens of “J. Golden” stories is one in which LDS Church President Heber J. Grant tried to tame the former cowboy-turned-elder’s tongue by writing a radio speech for Kimball and ordering him to read it. However, once on the air, Kimball struggled with Grant’s handwriting and finally exclaimed, “Hell, Heber, I can’t read this damn thing.”

Baugh admits that had Kimball substituted “heck” and “darn,” it just wouldn’t be as funny. Still, the days of swearing Mormon churchmen has passed. “There is no way today that any type of that language would be acceptable,” the professor said. Perhaps not, but that does not eliminate the desire indeed, the need to “express deep emotion by breaking the linguistic boundaries,” said John McLaughlin, an assistant professor of English at Utah State University. “Within this community the main profanity words still carry a strong social taboo against them much stronger than other segments of society, or even other segments of the country,” he said. “However, people here still need the emotional release of words that flirt with the boundaries.”

Marianna Di Paolo, chairwoman of the University of Utah’s linguistics department, agrees that local euphemisms may skirt the realm of the truly obscene. The intent, though, is the same as that behind the words that may have led to a bar soap snack in years past. “We all know that ‘heck’ means ‘hell,’ ” she said. “When someone yells, ‘Fudge!’ we all know they don’t mean, ‘give me more chocolate.’ But we tolerate it in this society because we feel that next to the other words, it’s not that bad,” Di Paolo said.

Still, there is a danger that someday even “fudge” through its repeated usage as a sort of PG-rated expletive will also be a word no longer uttered in polite society.

“In years to come, we might wonder how this word that means ‘chocolate confection’ came to have such a horribly profane meaning,” Di Paolo said. “Well, we would find it was by sound identification [with the original F-word].”

Delete Cookies?!

Drunk…

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!”
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.
Jack asked, “Son, what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
His son replied, “Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!”

The Speeding Blonde

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop�”

No Dogs Allowed

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, “Let’s go over to that bar and get something to drink.” The other guy said, “We can’t go in there, we’ve got the dogs with us.”
The one with the Doberman said “Just follow my lead.” and they walked over to the bar. He put on a pair of dark sunglasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, no pets allowed.”

The man with the Doberman says “You don’t understand, this is my seeing eye dog.” The bouncer said “A Doberman Pincher?” The man said “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.” The bouncer said “OK then, come on in.”

The friend with the Chihuahua figured he’d try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a but more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry Pal, no pets allowed.” The man responded with “You don’t understand, this is my seeing eye dog.”

The bouncer said “A Chihuahua??” The man with the Chihuahua said “A Chihuahua?? A Chihuahua?? They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!?!”

Only 24 hours left to live…

Morris returns from the doctor
and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he
has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.

About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,

‘Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one
more time?’

Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife’s
shoulder and asks,

‘Honey, please… just one
more time before I die.’

She says, ‘Of course, Dear,’
and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
‘Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we
could…’

At this point the wife sits
up and says, ‘Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning…. you don’t.’

COURT REPORTER

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

(My Favorite)

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

(Another favorite)

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral..

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.