Paul’s Groaners

Leaving the Vatican…

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

“And then?” asked a woman.

“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS

Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan! Write. POB74.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 71.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents’ house. POB 46

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.POB 787

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I? POB 545

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27

I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46

Moishy the Builder…

A building contractor wants some quotes to build two flats …

The Irishman builder quotes £500,000….

“How did you arrive at that figure?” asked the contractor….

” £200,000 labour, and £300,000 for materials.

The Scottish builder quotes £600,000…

£300,000 labour and £300,000 for materials.

The Jewish builder quotes £1 million….

The contractor says “how did you arrive at that figure?”

“Easy” says the Jewish builder ” £250,000 for you, £250,000 for me…. and we will get the Irishman to do the job.

The Winter Boots…

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, ‘Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.’ She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so? ‘ as she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, ‘They’re my brother’s boots. My Mum made me wear ‘em.’

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your mittens?’

He said, ‘I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.’

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

News From Newfoundland…

Well, the storm has finally begun. I just got off the phone with my sister in law in Newfoundland.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and is just staring.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

Tom’s scrotum…

THE BEST STORY OF THE YEAR

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom Smith.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

It all began with an iPhone…

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when
She bought me an iPad.

My daughter’s birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started……
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network
With the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service

I should be out of the hospital by Monday.

Miscellany…

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out
to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: You stay here? I’ll go on a head.?

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you would be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other
says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that
at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Newfie Palm Pilot

Two Redneck hunters…

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, “The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.”

One of the hunters pushed forward, “Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other Redneck. “Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!”