Paul’s Stuff

Baseball


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’

The little boy nodded yes.

‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?’

The little boy nodded again.

He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb ass’ is it?’

Again, the little boy nodded.

‘Good,’ said the coach. ‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.’

Juan Enriquez shares mindboggling science

http://youtu.be/JNcLKbJs3xk

How Real Men Bathe A Cat

How Real Men Bathe A Cat

1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.
3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.
4. Sit on lid – cat’s efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting.
5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.
6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up their ass.
7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.

One liners

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausages  are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Mexican Oysters

>
> A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following
> a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his
> tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
> platter being served at the next table. Not only did
> it look good, the smell was wonderful.
>
> He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
>
> The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent
> taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s
> testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
>
> The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”
>
> The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only
> one serving per day because there is only one bull fight
> each morning. If you come early and place your order,
> we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
>
> The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his
> order, and that evening was served the one and only
> special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
> inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
> “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller
> than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
>
> The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si,
> Senor.  Sometimes the bull wins.”

God Bless the Irish!

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.

Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says “For god’s sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.

His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

“Here boy” he replies.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-

Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.

“What the hell you doing?” he asks.

“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.

“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.

“I know” says Paddy “but I couldn’t  breathe”.

——————–

An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:     “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.”

J.S.Bach-Toccata e Fuga BWV 565-Karl Richter – It took two people to play this.

http://youtu.be/Zd_oIFy1mxM

Britain’s Got Talent

http://youtu.be/ZsNlcr4frs4

Britain’s Got Talent

http://youtu.be/uXgyQ4WrcBc

Excavating an Anthill