Paul’s Stuff

Emo Philips’ insight into religion…

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said,
“Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.
“Well, there is so much to live for.”
“Like what?”
“Well, are you religious?”
He said yes.
I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?”
“Christian.”
“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Protestant.”
“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Baptist.”
“Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”
“Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”
He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915.”
I said, “Die, heretic,” and pushed him off.

A Newfie Job Applicant . . .

A Newfie named Mike applied for an engineering position at a firm based in St, Johns. A Mainlander applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Mike and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Mainlander the job.”

“And why would you be doing that?” asked Mike. “We both get 9 questions correct. This bein’ the rock and me being a Newfie, I should get the jab!”

“We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

“Simple,” replied the manager. “On question # 5, the Mainlander put down, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Needer do I.’”

A FROG GOES INTO A BANK…

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.” Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that she will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall – bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?” The bank manager looks back at her and says………”It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.” (You’re singing it, aren’t you?!!)

A PIECE OF STRING WALKS INTO A BAR…

A piece of string walked into a bar and said “Gimme a beer!” but the bartender said “Get outta here! We don’t serve your kind here!” So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said “Aren’t you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?” No, the string replied, “I’m a frayed knot!”

NEWFIE TECH TERMS

1. Log on – Make the wood stove hotter

2. Log off – Don’t add no more wood

3. Monitor – Keep an eye on that wood stove

4. Download – Getting the firewood off the truck

5. Floppy disk – What you get from trying to carry too much firewood

6. Ram – The thing that splits the firewood

7. Hard Drive – Getting home in the winter

8. Prompt – What the mail ain’t in the winter

9. Window – What to shut when it’s cold outside

10. Screen – What to shut in black fly season

11. Byte – What the black flies do

12. Bit – What the black flies did

13. Mega Byte – What the BIG black flies do during trout season

14. Chip – Munchies for TV

15. Micro Chip – What’s left in the bag after you eat the chips

16. Modem – What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway

17. Dot matrix – Old Dan Matrix’s wife

18. Lap top – Where the beer spills when you pass out

19. Software – The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds

20. Hardware – Real stainless steel cutlery

21. Mouse – What makes the holes in the Cheerios box

22. Main frame – What holds the house up, hopefully

23. Enter – The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes

24. Web – What a spider makes

25. Web site – High corners of the ceiling

26. Cursor – Someone who swears

27. Search Engine – What you do when the car dies

8. Screen Saver – repair kit for the torn window screen

29. Home Page – map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the woods

30. Upgrade – Steep hill

31. Server – waitress

32. Mail Server – male waitress, damn few in Newfoundland

33. MS DOS – Some new disease they discovered

34. Sound Card – One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it

35. User – The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff

36. Browser – A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch

37. Network – Mending holes in the gillnet

38. Internet – Complicated fish net repair method

39. Netscape – What haddock do when you don’t do your network

40. Online – good sign there’ll be clean clothes this week

41. Off line – the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground–better luck next week

0 TO 200 IN 6 SECONDS

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and hiis wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

CHRISTMAS EATING HABITS…

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it’s rare. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
Merry Christmas, and Have A Great holiday Season, and The Best Of Everything, and Lots Of Happiness In The New Year!

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