When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.


One liners

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausages  are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” Horse says, “Is that supposed to be some sort of joke?”…*awkward silence

I could tell you the first rule of Spite Club, but I won’t.

I hate public opinion. Ask anyone.

Is money tight and you can’t afford booze? Remember that downtown is just a bus ride away and hobos don’t charge much for you to lick their hands.

My old laptop can’t decide if it likes wifi or not, and got all upset when I called it fi-curious. In my defense, I have a drinking problem.

Karl Marx was wrong. Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Twitter is. Also, Angry Birds.

Maybe poor people don’t even like food, we don’t know.